Paw-Paw wants to die and Mommy doesn't want him to.
Olivia to Dave in the car, after he picks her up to take her home.
Olivia to Dave in the car, after he picks her up to take her home.
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It's a fine line.....giving someone you love, support and permission die, and helping them find the will to live when you know now is not their time die.
My aunt and cousin from Texas had come up to help, another aunt and other primary caregiver was there and my uncle had just left. Olivia was busy (so I thought) with puzzles and her sticker book, when Paw-Paw woke up.
Over the course of the next two hours, he told me no less than 10 times that he was ready to die, that he wanted to die, that he wanted us/me to respect his wishes. It was better this way, he hurt so much, he was tired of being a burden, this is no way to live, he wasn't going to eat anymore to hasten the process.
As long as I can remember he has made his wishes known. He didn't want to be an stuck in a bed, with little to no quality of life. He didn't want to be like his Mother.....who by the way is still alive at 108.
I have a simple request he says. My two aunts and I gather around close to hear his whispers. Well, actually it isn't a simple request, it's a complex one. I want you to support my efforts to commit suicide. But you're fine Paw-Paw. Your infection is a gone, you just need to eat and get your strength back and you can go back up to your apartment. No, I'm not going to eat anymore. We all love you and want you here. No, I'm a burden. You are NOT a burden. Your children love you, your grandchildren and your great-grandchildren all love you and want you to be here. You all have your own lives to live. What about Gram? Oh, she'll be fine. I doubt that she will be fine.... Please, I just hurt so much, I just can't do this anymore. I love you so much Paw-Paw. I support you. I love you. I love you. I love you too.
We discuss a plan of action (we will take him up the apartment during the day, and hope that that motivates him to eat, being in his own home and sleeping in his own home, etc, he will go baack to the care center at night, we will just take it day by day. It is all in his hands and we will support him.) and then I pick up the phone to call my sister to start the process of trying to get a hold of my mother.
My aunt and cousin from Texas had come up to help, another aunt and other primary caregiver was there and my uncle had just left. Olivia was busy (so I thought) with puzzles and her sticker book, when Paw-Paw woke up.
Over the course of the next two hours, he told me no less than 10 times that he was ready to die, that he wanted to die, that he wanted us/me to respect his wishes. It was better this way, he hurt so much, he was tired of being a burden, this is no way to live, he wasn't going to eat anymore to hasten the process.
As long as I can remember he has made his wishes known. He didn't want to be an stuck in a bed, with little to no quality of life. He didn't want to be like his Mother.....who by the way is still alive at 108.
I have a simple request he says. My two aunts and I gather around close to hear his whispers. Well, actually it isn't a simple request, it's a complex one. I want you to support my efforts to commit suicide. But you're fine Paw-Paw. Your infection is a gone, you just need to eat and get your strength back and you can go back up to your apartment. No, I'm not going to eat anymore. We all love you and want you here. No, I'm a burden. You are NOT a burden. Your children love you, your grandchildren and your great-grandchildren all love you and want you to be here. You all have your own lives to live. What about Gram? Oh, she'll be fine. I doubt that she will be fine.... Please, I just hurt so much, I just can't do this anymore. I love you so much Paw-Paw. I support you. I love you. I love you. I love you too.
We discuss a plan of action (we will take him up the apartment during the day, and hope that that motivates him to eat, being in his own home and sleeping in his own home, etc, he will go baack to the care center at night, we will just take it day by day. It is all in his hands and we will support him.) and then I pick up the phone to call my sister to start the process of trying to get a hold of my mother.
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20 comments:
I'm so sorry for this hard Time.
I went through this with my GPa.
In my Family, the "will to live" is so strong that when it is done - we let it go. My GPa stopped eating and was gone in 6 Days. Just as with my Da, I didn't fight it. I verbally let my Da know that I knew he was tired and that after 3 1/2 Years of Continuous Chemo, it was okay to let go. He was ready - and even though I wasn't, it was Time.
I hope your Family can find that strength, too, to honor your GPa's decision. It is ultimately harder to fight someone's determination to die than to begin and endure the grieving Process.
*warm hug&
My heart goes out to you! I had to go through this with my Dad after suffering a massive stroke. After 3 and a half years he just couldn't do it anymore, he hurt, he couldn't remember things, he was just tired! Reading your last few post, I have gone back to that time. Wanting and willing him to live, to make it to my wedding. At first it really bothered me that he just gave up and there was nothing I could do about it, that he couldn't live for me or my brother or his grandchildren or wife. It still breaks my heart that he is not here. But I have come to accept his decision after 3 years that if he couln't live the life he had before the stroke he just didn't want to live and be a burden anymore. I know this doesn't help, but I want you to know you are not alone and this will be one of the hardest things he will ever go through. My thoughts and prayers are with you. God Bless you, your family and especially your Gpa.
My thoughts are with you and your family!!!
You are so very right, it is such a fine line to walk. Probably the hardest one ever walked.
Your strength and love for your Paw-paw is palpable and I think you are doing a wonderful thing in pouring all your love and devotion to him into keeping him alive!!
I am so sorry for your hurt!
Thinking of you guys. I can't imagine what this is like.
I am so sorry. And I understand this so well.
After the last few years of my dad going through Alzheimer's we know that there are things worse than death. I'm sure death seems much easier. Still, I pray your Paw-paw finds strength and peace to accept his fate as it comes, when it is supposed to come.
Prayers for you.
BIG BIG BIG BIG hugs.
I am so, so sorry.
Oh my hon, I'm so sorry. It's hard to respect their wishes when we don't agree and aren't ready to let them go. Letting go is never easy, but try to hang in there.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...
~K
I sincerely hope you find the way to balance on that line - it is a scary and very difficult place to be. But in the end, I know you will find a way to make peace with what is to be.
I am more worried about what will come, because contact will be made, and there may very well be no way to avoid seeing the one person you really don't want to see. I know peace there may never exist.
We all die - in God's time. Pray to Lord for strength - he hears you.
Oh, I can' only imagine how hard it was for you to write and share this. (((HUGS)))
Oh my gosh, Bun, I can't even imagine how hard that must be for all of you.
xoxo
It's so wonderful that you can be there with him - despite the pain. I wish you all strength through this very tough time.
My heart breaks reading this. I can't even imagine how difficult it is for you to balance on this fine line. Know that I'm thinking of you all.
Oh, my heart is breaking for you and your P and the whole family. We went through something quite similar with my grandma. She felt like such a burden for so long and it was impossible to convince her otherwise. It's so painful to watch someone you love go through this. I hope you all find some peace soon.
I can't imagine how hard this would be to go through with a parent, though I did with a grandparent.
My advice from my experience? Live your life, still. Treasure the time you have left with your loved one, but don't put your life and kids' life on hold.
I am praying that you will find peace with his decision (whatever it ultimately is!)
What a tough time for you all! I am so sorry. It is so difficult when a loved one asks to die. My noni asked right after her stroke and I burst into tears. It was so hard to agree to help her because at that time there was still hope. Hang in there...it will all work out the way it was meant to be. In the meantime, just love him and show him how important he is!
T-It is really hard to go through someone like this. I am thinking about you during this time.
You know, as a nurse, I see this A LOT. When the family decides to respect the patient's decision as to their wishes, a lot of times they can finally just relax and enjoy spending time with them instead of trying to talk them out of it.
Whatever you do, it is never easy to do. I had to do it with both my grandpa and my uncle.
Make sure you let your grandpa know how much you love him. I miss my grandpa every single day and not a day goes by that I don't think of him and wish him back (he has been gone since 1999). I know he is better off in Heaven, where he is free of pain, so it is just my selfishness wanting him here because I still feel his presence so deeply.
Okay....Crying now....gotta go. Take care of yourself!
I'm sorry. Thinking of you.
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