It’s officially been a year since any type of contact with my mother has been made on either side. If you are a new reader and don't know the history, you can read all about it here.
We moved to the “new” house last April and when I was making the arrangements with the phone company for the new phone number the person helping me asked if I wanted to leave a message at the old number with our old number. I initially said no, specifically thinking of my mother. THAT would send a pretty clear message don’t you think? We move, and I don’t leave a forwarding number….. It’s not like we weren’t going to be listed or anything. If she really wanted to get it all she had to do was call my sister, or aunt, or grandmother, or take some further initiative if she wanted to spare herself the embarrassment of having to admit that we didn’t give it to her and call information. I chickened out, and called the phone company back and told them to go ahead and have the message listing the new phone number.
Well, well, well. What do you know. I guess “luck” was on my side. After 6 months of her not returning probably just a phone call or two of mine…she calls 5 days after we move to the new house. “Oh, I guess you all have moved to a new house. I guess congratulations are in order. Just wanted to wish you a Happy Easter, I hope you all are doing good. Bye.”
During that particular phone call we were NOT doing good and had not been for several months, not that she would know. We were at the Urgent Care (once again) getting Olivia catheterized, and having her 100th vial of blood drawn. We were in the midst of a horrible cycle of 104 degree temperatures that would last for over a week, then would go away for almost a week and would then come back. It had gotten to the point where I could predict which day it would hit after the first month….this lasted for 4 months. The doctors suspected a random virus, mono, cyclic neutropenia, leukemia, and then suddenly it all stopped. (Thank GOD) BUT, needless to say, I wasn’t particularly interested in calling her right back, and it also wasn’t real high on my priority list since calling me back is never on high on her list, but when Olivia was feeling better. I had a house to unpack. I ended up pulling one of her old tricks….although not totally on purpose, and called her back a few weeks later and left a message. That was it. I have not heard from her since. It’s been an entire year. Other than my obvious unresolved "issues" it has been a very peaceful year......
Honestly, now I feel like it's a waiting game. I will NOT be the one to initiate contact. I feel confidant saying that, which is a huge step for me, because I was always the one to "cave" in and invite the toxic feelings back into my life. But what in the hell do I do, if she does actually call me? What do I do if she actually comes to town to visit my grandparents (her parents) or (god forbid) has to come in for a funeral or something. Just typing that makes my heart race and my hands shake. I also can't shake the guilt....this damn guilt. Why do I feel so guilty?
I often wondered how people became estranged from their family members, and thought it must have been very Jerry Springer like. I hope no one thinks that this estrangement on my part was an easy decision. I directly think about it weekly and I know it affects me daily. Have any of you been estranged from a family member and had to deal with them trying to get back into your life at some point? Did you let them back in? Was it a good decision or one that you wish you hadn't made?
We moved to the “new” house last April and when I was making the arrangements with the phone company for the new phone number the person helping me asked if I wanted to leave a message at the old number with our old number. I initially said no, specifically thinking of my mother. THAT would send a pretty clear message don’t you think? We move, and I don’t leave a forwarding number….. It’s not like we weren’t going to be listed or anything. If she really wanted to get it all she had to do was call my sister, or aunt, or grandmother, or take some further initiative if she wanted to spare herself the embarrassment of having to admit that we didn’t give it to her and call information. I chickened out, and called the phone company back and told them to go ahead and have the message listing the new phone number.
Well, well, well. What do you know. I guess “luck” was on my side. After 6 months of her not returning probably just a phone call or two of mine…she calls 5 days after we move to the new house. “Oh, I guess you all have moved to a new house. I guess congratulations are in order. Just wanted to wish you a Happy Easter, I hope you all are doing good. Bye.”
During that particular phone call we were NOT doing good and had not been for several months, not that she would know. We were at the Urgent Care (once again) getting Olivia catheterized, and having her 100th vial of blood drawn. We were in the midst of a horrible cycle of 104 degree temperatures that would last for over a week, then would go away for almost a week and would then come back. It had gotten to the point where I could predict which day it would hit after the first month….this lasted for 4 months. The doctors suspected a random virus, mono, cyclic neutropenia, leukemia, and then suddenly it all stopped. (Thank GOD) BUT, needless to say, I wasn’t particularly interested in calling her right back, and it also wasn’t real high on my priority list since calling me back is never on high on her list, but when Olivia was feeling better. I had a house to unpack. I ended up pulling one of her old tricks….although not totally on purpose, and called her back a few weeks later and left a message. That was it. I have not heard from her since. It’s been an entire year. Other than my obvious unresolved "issues" it has been a very peaceful year......
Honestly, now I feel like it's a waiting game. I will NOT be the one to initiate contact. I feel confidant saying that, which is a huge step for me, because I was always the one to "cave" in and invite the toxic feelings back into my life. But what in the hell do I do, if she does actually call me? What do I do if she actually comes to town to visit my grandparents (her parents) or (god forbid) has to come in for a funeral or something. Just typing that makes my heart race and my hands shake. I also can't shake the guilt....this damn guilt. Why do I feel so guilty?
I often wondered how people became estranged from their family members, and thought it must have been very Jerry Springer like. I hope no one thinks that this estrangement on my part was an easy decision. I directly think about it weekly and I know it affects me daily. Have any of you been estranged from a family member and had to deal with them trying to get back into your life at some point? Did you let them back in? Was it a good decision or one that you wish you hadn't made?
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I'm a little bit nervous typing out what I'm about to, afraid of giving the impression that my life is, as you say, Jerry Springer like. But my mom and I have dealth with issues similar to this many times.
The first came between my mom and her oldest brother. He was making many (many) bad choices in his life that my mom didn't agree with, and they simply stopped speaking to one another. It wasn't an ugly thing, necessarily; but there was no contact. When my mom had her bleeding ulcer and very nearly died, he didn't call or visit or anything. Years later (as in, like, 10 years), he was diagnosed with cancer. They had had limited contact up until this point, but my mom just decided enough was enough. My uncle had pretty well turned his life around; she went and visited him in the hospital. She helped him get better. He was in remission for several years before it struck again and he passed away. And in those final years, they had a wonderful friendship.
The second time it happened was between my mom/me and the man who was my mom's best friend, and a second father to me. He'd been the second most important person in my life (only after my mom) for as long as I can remember. Long story short: when I was 20 yeard old, he suddenly ceased all contact. Nothing. I was heartbroken. When my dad passed away several months after that, a family member called him and told him that my mom and I could probably use his support. He called; he visited; he came back around. We thought all was well. Less than a month later, I turned 21; he called and wished me happy birthday. And we haven't heard from him since. It's been over 6 years now. There's no chance in hell that mom or I will ever forgive that betrayal.
The third time came between my mom/me and my mom's other brother. He basically told my mom that he didn't want to talk to her anymore, because she 'interfered' too much (that's code for: she was always there to help him out with his bipolar wife). A month later, my grandma (their mother) became very sick; so we put it behind us and put on a unified front for my grandma's sake. And things honestly went pretty well for the six months my grandma was sick, before she passed away. He kept in contact with my mom for several months after Grandma's passing; once my mom wrote him the final check, giving him his third of Grandma's money-- he then ceased all contact. That was three years ago. We haven't seen him or talked to him since. He has told other family members that he wants to mend things with us; but my mom and I won't have any of it. We've been fooled by him and by the man I described above, too many times. We're done with it. We're not putting ourselves in that situation again. But yes, we do worry about when the time comes that there is a funeral and we will have to see him.
That doesn't sound Jerry Springer at all...just sad and unfortunate. Thanks for sharing with me. It's nice to know that I am not alone.
I don't have a similar family story to share, but I did want to say that I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best-- whatever that ends up being for you!
I can completely see where you are coming from in your feelings and applaud you for thinking of your husband, kids, but mainly yourself by cutting out the negativity and toxic relationship that you had with your mother. I can sum what relate. My stepmom is a wonderful women, she made my dad happy and that is all that mattered. When she married my Dad back in 1989 her oldest daughter was very very upset. My stepmom's first husband had passed away from ALS in 1985 and my stepsister could not handle the fact she had remarried. The relationship was strained but there, then stepsis asked to borrow money from dad/stepmom, but they just didn't have it to give so said so sorry but no. This infuriated the stepsis and she decided that stepmom had chosen the new family over her. By the way this is a grown women with a husband and 3 kids at the time. So stepsis broke off all ties. She told her children their grandmother was dead, she would confiscate birthday cards and christmas gifts, we would hear about her family from my two stepbrothers and vice versa. Then in 2002 my Dad had a massive stroke and my stepmom took care of him until his passing in 2005, she did not call, send a card or show up for the funeral, which is fine, but when my oldest brother was diagnosed with lung cancer last Febraury and my stepmom saw her for the first time in almost 18 years she didn't speak to her and only answered when spoken to. My stepbrother died this past January leaving 4 kids and 5 grandkids, my stepsis didn't hug or give any comfort to her mother, just stood there and glared. I ache for my stepmom she has lost two husbands and now her eldest son, and her daughter couldn't give a crap.
Anyway, this situation was because of money, yours was because of how your mom treated you all your life, completely different. I wouldn't blame you if you turned a cold shoulder on your mom she probably deserves it! You do what you need to do inorder to be a good person, wife and mother.
While my relationship with my sister wasn't necessarily toxic, it became very strained after I took my daughter out of her care. I didn't agree with how she was handling my nieces and some of the things going on in her house. Instead of confronting her with it because I was trying to avoid hurting her feelings, I used the excuse of getting my daughter around other kids before she started pre-K. It didn't matter apparently because she gradually stopped calling me. It wasn't until she was diagnosed with leukemia last June and subsequently passed within 6 weeks of her diagnosis, that I deeply regretted not reaching out to her. But isn't that usually the case? I've had lots of guilty feelings and deep regret. Lately, she's been in my dreams a lot.
In your instance, I totally understand why you have chose to cease all communication with your mother. If I was in the same situation, I'd do the same thing.
I certainly wouldn't be rude....although I'm sure she would interpret whatever actions on my part other than hugs and kisses and tears and me apologizing as yes that I was being rude. If she came in for a visit it would be different than if she came in for a funeral for one of my grandparents. (although she has treated them like crap as well, so I we are hurt about that as well.) I guess I just don't know how I will act until it happens.....I feel so bad for your step mom. At least she has you in her life.
Thanks! She is a great lady and I thank her all the time for giving my Dad all the love in the world and not turning her back when times got really bad.
She also as a lot of support from her other son and all the grandkids and greatgrand kids Mark left behind. Also the stepsis kids all have made contact with my stepmom and are in the process of call and coming to see her on occasion dispite their mothers wishes. The two oldest remember her and the youngest called her out of the blue on her 10th birthday because she had gotten a card in the mail that stepsis didn't know about. I really wish you strength and hope in this battle, I think we are engrained to always repsect our parents and feel that it is our duty to make things right. There is nothing like a bitter angry parent to make you feel like a 6 year old instantanously when they spew phenom and contempt for your actions. You doing the right thing and teaching your children that love, patience and understanding is how you treat each other (although not easy!) Good luck and many blessings!
Baby Daddy and I have been estranged from his parents since October 31, 2006 - that was the last time we saw them at least - and they live only a five minute drive away.
It's a very, long, sad, complicated story as are all of these, perhaps I'll post about it someday.
I took the steps to make contact again with them twice. Once by inviting them to the girl's second birthday which they didn't acknowledge and I wrote them a Christmas greeting card last year only to hear through the grapevine that because I used their first names (not mom/dad or grandma/grandpa) that they were not going to have anything to do with us ever again.
I quit. I give up. I tried, I really did. I totally know what you mean when you say, "...always the one to "cave" in and invite the toxic feelings back into my life."
Anyway, I don't know if this helps at all, but do know that you're not alone in this.
You are definitely not alone. I think you are right from removing a toxic person from your life. You can't just allow her to keep hurting you and your family.
I wish I had advice for you on how to deal with things when/if you're forced to have contact with her.
All of these sad stories. I thankfully don't have a comparable one unless you count my ex's family and well that's much too long to get into here. But they weren't blood.
I'm so sorry any of you had to go through what you did.
I'm very sorry. You are certainly not alone. There are times, and many of them, that I wish hubby and I could be estranged from members of his family. I'm all for it, but I don't think he'll ever do it.
I am so sorry for your difficult situation, I can't begin to know what you are going through.
My baby sister estranged herself from our family as a teenager and she is just coming back to us now. I hate that my baby sister is practically a stranger to us, we all missed her so and have prayed for her return while walking on eggshells trying to stay in contact with her during those years.
I will be thinking of you guys and hoping that you have some peace in this situation.
My mom is visiting and has some great first-hand insight:
We are all raised with the perfect image of what family should be. But reality dances in and our very definition of family changes. The idea of a mother is almost a sacred image and when mothers are not very "motherly", we are bound to feel some responsiblity. Personal experience (i.e. mother and toxic sister relationship- and I only have 1 sister) has taught me (and age and experience) that life without these people in it is a far happier and less eventful place to be. But I was almost 50 YEARS OLD before I was able to understand that I DESERVED to move on. Good luck to you from WV - I love your blogs which I discovered through GoMommy. (with whom I have a wonderful relationship and maybe the destructive one I had with my own mother helped me to build a better one with her. So see some good things come from the bad crap.
My family has a history of toxic relationships also. My father and I have had a rocky time of it. I have a half sister that I was not raised with that is impossible to have any kind of a relationship with. My two younger brothers are no longer in my life because everything must be on their terms. I have spent my whole life beating myself over the head trying to establish kinship with people who are toxic (mostly my brothers). When I became a mother, I decided that, emotionally, it was not worth it for me to pursue these relationships any more. They are not healthy, they take a lot of energy and by God, some things just can't be fixed, no matter how much you want them to be.
I have said this to Slackermommy, and I will say it to you:
Regarding your feelings of guilt, always remember: your mother is CHOOSING to have this kind of relationship with you. She is CHOOSING to treat you poorly. She is CHOOSING to continue to act in a way that she knows hurts you (because you have told her it hurts you).
If she really wants a better relationship with you, she could TELL you that. She could call you and say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I should not have done all these things that made you miserable. I want to change my relationship with you for the better. Please tell me how I can start to do that." And then she could SHOW you she was sincere, by acting respectful toward you and your family.
She could do this, if she really wanted to. She is not doing it. That is her choice.
There is no need for you to feel guilty about another person's choice to continue a toxic pattern of behavior
My real father has not been a part of my life since I was in elementary. My oldest sister either. The story is long but I will shorten it. My real father was abusive to my mom. Very abusive. She got away, taken all three of us girls. My older sister was bi-polar. She tried to stab my mom and tried pushing me down stairs. My real father pushed for custody of her and won. Things were different back then and the law wasn't protective of abused victims.
To this day, I have no contact with them. NONE! His wife has begged for me to call him (she finds me at Walmart or something and corners me.) I tell her no thanks. My oldest sister has yelled obsenities from her car while I was walking with my daughter. I don't care. I don't want them in my lives. The damage is done. I don't feel guilty. I don't feel mean. I have forgiving them, but I won't forget the hurt. When my real father passes, I will not go to the funeral. He is a stranger to me now.
I love him, honestly I do, but I don't love him enough to disturb my family. My step dad is my best friend, my god send, and saved our lives. He is my dad, even though his blood doesn't run through my veins.
My sister and I look identical. It freaks me out. She has children, my neice and nephews. I wish things were different. But she tortured me in more ways then one and had she not went to live with my real dad, she would have harmed me or my mom. My younger sister was safe from her wickedness. I don't feel guilty about this either. She didn't have the best life with my real dad, but because he and her were so much alike the abuse wasn't severe. My mom hasn't talked to my sister in years, and she cries about this constantly. I feel sorry for her.
So, guilt is a ugly thing. But sometimes you need to let go. You made a decision. I think that you still crave love and attention from her. Hoping one day she will be a true mom. I think that the little girl inside you that was so hurt holds on to that. She hurt you deep, and she will continue to hurt you. And I think your decision to stay away is good. Would she treat your kids like she treated you???? It's just not healthy. Let her go. Maybe write her a letter, expressing everything.
Okay, the novel has been wrote. I do understand where you are.
My FIL passed away two years ago and on the day of his funeral, when we went back to my MIL's house my SIL went crazy on my family. It's like she just snapped. She started yelling and hitting my husband, saying he didn't visit his dad enough, he was a horrible son, etc. She even hit my children. I was not in the room at the time, but I tried to get in the door as she was holding it shut, at one point on my arm. I opened it enough to get my kids out and ushered them into the van and locked the door. She came outside and wanted to fight, I have never had anyone want to FIGHT me in my life. She started yelling that I tainted my kids and they used to be so sweet and now thy are horrible, etc. Can I just say these horrible kids are National Honor Society Members, TREND member, and they love sports. That being said, the whole incident was just horrible and if she called the next day and apologized and said she was just grief stricken that would have been one thing, but no, haven't heard from her in over two years and I have to tell you, no love lost. I don't need people like that in my life and neither do my children. Funny thing though my MIL (lives across the street from SIL) will have family events and its not Janass who is kept at bay, it's us. My mom says let it go and go out and visit my MIL and my husband tried buy you know who came over and just glared at him. So I tell my mom, why? She did me a big favor. It's really hard to believe that you can sever from family, but it happens.
Stop feeling guilty. If this was a person you met at a social gathering, would you suggest meeting up again? I've cut off my father, half-sister and half-brother because they are all toxic, toxic, toxic. They are all about control. They expect me to behave in a certain way that suits them. Not having to put up with their mindgames, backstabbing, spite and venom is bliss. So stop beating yourself up. Just because someone is a relative does not give them a right to be a part of you life if they treat you like crap.
No one can judge you for making the choices or decisions that you have made in your life - except yourself. You are the one judging yourself and giving yourself guilt. Honestly, I doubt anyone who has read and understands how you grew up would ever place guilt on you for your decsion to remove the harmful person from your life.
You need to find a way to stop placing this guilt on yourself! I know you know this already, and I also know it's very easy to say and probably a thousand times harder to do.
Hopefully knowing that so many people support your decisions surrounding your mother will help you find a way to let it go, stop 'looking over your shoulder' so to speak, and find a way to live every day without a thought about it even entering your head.
I can't offer any wisdom gained from experience with estranger family - other than my own experiences with my MIL. But I know that is so far removed from being similar to your situation that it can't even begin to compare. I can however offer a ton of sympathy and support, and I'm there with it!
Hugs!
My dad and I went round and round every year or two. His death was oddly healing for us all (including him) in 2005. I thought the toxicity had died with Dad, but it has been resurrected in one of my brothers, with whom I am now estranged. I'm so sad that the pattern that I thought I'd never experience again is playing out again; it sucks, but it is what it is. I'm not going to invite toxicity, either.
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