Cutting the ties that bind

First of all I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who left all the kind words of encouragement and support. I knew that you would and your words were just what I needed to get out of the funk that I was in.

My sister had been in for a visit, so of course we had talked about our mother a bit (Since she is still in contact with her, albeit very limited because my mother doesn't return her phone calls or if she finally does, it is conveniently when she knows that my sister is at work.) and I had an upsetting conversation with my grandmother (her mother) the week prior. Although I have no desire to speak with or see her, I do ask my sister for limited updates, which is basically to make sure that they are still where I think they are, and then my glutten for punishment kicks in wanting to know if she has asked about me or the kids or whatever.

You see, she has cut me out just as much as I have cut her out. We have very different reasons for doing this however. Hers, well, she chose to blame everyone else for some major problems in her life, and when I wouldn't bail her out of them without some accountability on her part, she refused to speak to me any longer. Now, after 2 years, my sister says she just feels stupid and can't swallow her pride and pick up the phone. Which is fine by me. I would probably get physically ill if I heard her voice on my voicemail or saw her number on the caller id.

It is this reaction, why I decided that it was best to no longer have contact with her, even if she decided she wanted to. My whole life I have dealt with her emotional abuse. After my dad killed himself, and I lived four hours away, I still felt a sense of responsibility to her because she was my mother. She herself became very suicidal and was in and out of mental hospitals. My poor little sister was just barely a teenager and never knew if she was going to have to find a place to stay while my mother was in the hospital, wake up and find my mother dead, and dealt with other loony birds then living in her house. Mother was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder, which on one hand explained so much about my childhood, but on the other hand became the "new excuse" for her behavior. Once again, nothing was ever her fault. I would come in every time she was in the hospital, but it got to the point that she didn't want me "swooping in to try to fix everything." My sister never acted like she wanted me there. I worked full time, and was dealing with my own depression, about losing my dad and the constant threat of losing my mom. She wouldn't return phone calls for months on end. I would have to call the neighbors just to make sure she was still alive. When she would answer the phone (after I would call everyday for 3-4 months) the entire conversation would be all about her and her depression, and how all she wanted to do was kill herself, that many times I felt like telling her, just freaking do it already. Then my sister could have come live here and we would have been able to all get on with our lives.

After many years the right combo of meds (or whatever) was figured out for the most part. I got married, had Jacob and she wanted to be an active part of her grandchild's life. She got a full time job here and lived with us part-time. She watched Jake two days a week, and worked a few nights a week and then during her long stretches off (she's a nurse, 12 hour shifts) she would go back home. It really was great. It was a period of healing. She was medicated, and was sane and "normal" and supportive, and nice and all the things a mother and grandmother was supposed to be. This lasted for a year and a half. Everyone tried to get her/them to move here. The whole family is here, you can have it all. Her partner wanted her home. She left and old habits die hard I guess. Phone calls were never returned again. Promised visits came and went while she never showed up. The children's birthday parties were either surrounded by drama or never attended despite promises. Then the final straw two years ago.....not accepting responsibility for her own problems and our refusal to bail her out, knowing that it was a short term solution and wouldn't solve anything, and would only hurt our family in the long run. That's perhaps what makes it hurt even more.....that I had a taste of what having a "normal relationship" with my mother was like. I liked her, hell I loved her again. I was able to push back all bad from my childhood, because it was good now. We had plenty of time to make up for all the horrible, bad years in our past, we could get to know each other in this new time of her being sane and medicated. She just threw it all away like it didn't matter, like I didn't matter. Just like in the past, when it was clear to me that I didn't matter.

These are the reasons why I just couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't going to allow her to disappoint my children the way I am/was always disappointed. I became horribly stressed out anytime she was supposed to visit, anytime I broke down and called her, only to get more and more pissed off as the weeks went by where she didn't call me back. I didn't like the affect she had on me and how that trickled down to my children and husband. Ultimately, it is to protect myself and my children from the toxic feelings and ultimate disappointment allowing her in my life causes.

It is nice to know that she is still alive and doing well. I honestly don't wish any ill will, I am not like that. The upsetting conversation that I had with my grandmother was about the call she got from my mom on her birthday. It stirred up in my mind that I didn't get a phone call for the 3rd year in a row on my birthday, but I would have been sick if I had....that's a lose/lose situation uh?
I was glad that she called my grandma. She should have, it's her mother. They talked for 3 hours. Good. She's doing well. She loves where they are at. Good. Then my grandma asked if I had talked to her....NO and I don't plan on it. Well you would if she called you wouldn't you? No, Gram, I really don't think I would. She says she is going to try to come and visit sometime soon. Well, that's nice. (OMG, just thinking about that makes me sick.) She isn't welcome at my house and she won't be seeing the children. I honestly have no desire to see her after everything that has happened. It is up to everyone else how they handle their relationship with her, but this is what feels best to me right now. I'm sorry Gram that you have to deal with this, but I just can't excuse the things that she said about you and paw-paw and everyone else in the family.

So that is where I am at now. I still don't really know how I came out the other side of my childhood as sane as I am, but I am starting to notice as my children get older and life becomes a bit more challenging, the effects of my childhood are starting to show it's ugly head. I lose my patience very quickly, raise my voice too often, and in an effort to not lose my patience or raise my voice I will "disconnect" which I'm sure comes off as cold or indifferent and that scares me the most. I do end the day with kisses, hugs, cuddles, many I love yous and talks about the day which involve what WE ALL did right and wrong to keep the lines of communication open. This is something that I never had as a child, that I so desperately want to give to my children. I never want them to be afraid of me, to question whether or not I love them, to feel belittled by me, to feel like they have to tip-toe around me, that their ideas and opinions don't matter, that they are not worthy of love and support. All of these things and more are how my mother made me feel growing up on a daily basis and these are my battles that I must overcome so that I don't pass them on.